Poles, stretch your facial muscles.

A post brought about by a sudden insight as I was washing up after supper. (Salmon omelette*, since you ask). At home we use Fairy washing-up liquid. Available for a long time in Poland. Manufactured for the central and eastern European markets by Procter & Gamble in the Czech Republic. It really does go further than the local brands.

But how does one pronounce 'Fairy' in Polish? But how does one ask for it in Polish at the chemia gospodarcza department of your local GS? Fery? Fejry? Fajry? Fary? No, you cannot pronounce 'Fairy' correctly in Polish using any combination of the six non-nasalised vowel sounds in the Polish alphabet.

How can you distinguish the words 'Ferry', 'fairy' and 'furry' if you are stuck with such a limited palate of vowel sounds?

Three years ago, I was speaking at a conference in Cork, Ireland, co-organised by our Wrocław office. Ilona, the organiser, told me how to get to the hotel where I was staying. She told me to ask the taxi driver for what I heard her say was the 'Merrybridge hotel'.

So there I was. Off the last bus that evening from Dublin Airport, and into the back of a Toyota Avensis.

Me: 'Merrybridge Hotel, please'.
Taxi driver: 'Sorry, sorr, where's dat you be wantin'?'
Me: 'The Merrybridge Hotel?...'
A good deal of consternation, head-scratching, consultation of map.
Taxi driver: 'I can't honestly be thinkin' of where dat is, sorr...' [beat]
'Ah!! The MARYbridge Hotel!'

Children learn to speak between the second and third year of life. Soon after, their facial muscles set in. If you've not learnt to stretch the medial pterygoid muscles and open your jaw significantly wider than necessary for the simple utterance of the short 'uh', 'eh', 'ee' 'oh' and 'ooh' sounds that make up Polish vowel sounds, you'll not be able to make yourself understood in English. Speaking with a paper-cut narrow space between upper and lower teeth, you will never allow you listener to distinguish between you trying to say 'air' and 'err'. Say jej włosy in English. 'Her her?'

A few months ago I found myself at a dinner sitting next to a Polish professor who was telling me about the fur trade movement in the UK. I was stumped. 'Handel futrami?' I asked. Eventually it transpired that he was talking about 'fair trade'. I really didn't catch on.

* Salmon omelette. Ingredients: Two slices of smoked salmon, preferably Alaskan. Three large free-range eggs. Sunflower oil, salt and ground pepper to taste. Take a shallow-sided non-stick frying pan, heat up sunflower oil, throw on the salmon, cut into fine pieces, distribute around pan evenly. Break eggs, whip up with egg whisk, pour onto frying pan. Keep the thing moving. When one side is done, either toss to fry other side, or stick it in the grill to brown. Serve with brown bread and cherry tomatoes. Serves two.