Given my deep-seated belief that the purpose of life is to fulfil our human potential, my most profound feelings of guilt, experienced each day, revolve around Not Doing Enough.
I feel guilty when I'm wasting time. It's as precious a resource as our daily bread. It trickles away; the day's almost gone, and I've not done anything creative, I've neither exercised mind nor body - and I feel bad. This guilt is a driver. I cannot put my feet up - proper rest means getting into bed at the end of a hard-earned day and falling asleep immediately, without a feeling of guilt that Things Have Been Left Undone.
Office work tends to gets done - if anything's left undone for too long, a colleague or a client will let me know. An alarm bell, a call to action, it gets done, no one's unhappy.
But my own work, that which for which I answer alone to myself - those unwritten books - those unvisited places - those things that I always wanted to do, and for which there's no longer an excuse - put off again? [Covid offers an excuse; hopefully one that will go away before too very long.]
The sense of achievement when a task is done, ticked off, completed to my satisfaction, is always undermined by the guilt surrounding things still left to do. Emails not answered, investments not pushed ahead, writing left unwritten, books left to be read another day.
"GET ON WITH IT!"
"Michael - you're pushing yourself too hard. Take it easier - relax!"
"Be still, demons! You'll get me nowhere with wishy-washy blandishments! I seek awareness, understanding, I seek dialogue that enables spiritual growth - wasting away time and potential diminishes me!"
Pushing myself has many positives. On the physical side, I have been beating my previous year's best with more exercising, eating more fresh fruit and vegetables, walking more briskly, drinking less alcohol and having fewer lazy days. For full results of seven years of improvement, look here, but in short, this is where it's at... The table below assumes that every day since 1 January 2014 I have walked (physical training or not) an average of over 10,000 paces.
| 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Days with zero physical training | 234 | 266 | 148 | 83 | 27 | 17 | 11 |
A war on idleness is being won. It should have been fought and won 30, 40 years ago - but I lacked focus, self-disciple and will. But there's more to be done - in particular with writing. Last year I proved to myself that I can write serious and sensible stuff every day, for 48 days in a row without letting up. That's the way to do it. Should I ever start to let up - I'd feel guilty.
I have another guilt - environmental guilt. Having brought up my children not to drop a single sweet wrapper on the pavement, I am punctilious about the correct disposal of litter, including waste segregation. Solar panels on the roof have cut down monthly electricity bills from around 190 złotys/month to 25. But more than that, they will mean a few tonnes of coal a year less that need burning to power our house. I cannot not countenance the prospect of buying a car - especially a new car - that's powered by fossil fuel. My motorbikes have small (125cc) engines, I ride sparingly (on sunny days from late spring to early autumn) and with an aesthetic goal in mind.
We are trustees of our planet, trustees for generations to come; and, given my belief in a limited form of reincarnation (about which more in this series of Lenten posts), a liveable planet for future beings touched by this consciousness.
Guilt is associated with sin, but not in my theology. More about sin tomorrow.
This time two years ago:
On the Ho Chi Minh trail, West Ealing
This time four years ago:
25 days between deliveries of mail - Warsaw's labour shortage
(Not much better now - 13 days and counting)
This time five years ago:
What purpose does the Universe serve?
This time six years ago:
Will your Soul last for eternity?
This time ten years ago:
On the road to Węgrów
This time 11 years ago
A week into Lent
This time 12 years ago:
In the stillness of a winter forest
This time 13 years ago:
Over the fence
Has it ever occurred to you that doing nothing and being generously mindful during the business of doing nothing could also have positive outcomes, a value, a meaning?
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty - no - I've never actually considered that! It is an intriguing thought... Maybe you'd like to expand on that - how you see the 'outcomes, value and meaning' of doing nothing, mindfully... To quote the Dude "That some kind of Eastern thing?"
You may be able to change my thinking here...!
Benjamin Franklin said: Employ time well if thou meanest to gain leisure. And then he said, and you must concur: Leisure is the time for doing something useful. But Bertrand Russell taught a salutary lesson: The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. This sentiment was echoed by Will Rogers, sort of: Half of our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Yet Franklin had a friend in Michael Altshuler: The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot. But would Bill Waterson agree: There is never enough time to do all the nothing you want? You tell me! Perhaps G.K. Chesterton might appeal to a train spotter: The only way of catching a train – I have discovered – is missing the train before.
ReplyDeleteIf you had an hour to kill, I would recommend these talks, but, as it is, I recommend you delegate the listening to someone and have them summarize the talks to you:
Time management according to machines (TED ed), How to multiply your time (by Rory Vaden, TEDx), Inside the mind of a master procrastinator (by Tim Urban, TED), The surprising habits of original thinkers (by Adam Grant, TED)
@ Jacek Koba
ReplyDeleteGuilty of not replying sooner! Bertrand Russell is right - there's no guilt as long as you correctly apportion time to enjoyment (as opposed to that impostor, pleasure). Will Rogers was cited in The Economist the other week as saying that you should buy stocks when the price starts to climb, and sell them as soon as it starts dropping, so there you are. Re: Franklin and Waterson - it reminds me of the story about the newly-retired German businessman on a Greek beach, talking to a local layabout: "You are lazy - you should build a boat, go fishing, sell your catch, build a fleet of boats, employ fishermen, build a canning factory, spread your business internationally..." to which the Greek layabout asks: "And then what?". The German replies: "Then you sell your business, retire, like me, and you can relax, put your feet up on a beautiful Greek island..." to which the layabout replies: "What do you think I'm doing?"
TEDx: I assimilate knowledge by skim-reading; I have great difficulties skim-listening. Tim Urban I follow on Wait, But Why - he has written (probably the same stuff) about procrastination there, which I have indeed read - in detail (because it's good).