I often feel guilty - that I'm not doing enough, that I'm lazy, easily provoked, easily distracted, lacking in focus, prone to procrastination. [At least I am writing this, but I should have started two and half hours ago.] It feels like a constant struggle to keep things moving forward, not to sit back and coast. Often I catch myself thinking that I'm having a rest - I'm not - I'm idling.
Twitter is a great distraction; at times like this I excuse myself that a) I'm catching up with the latest news from Ukraine, and b) I'm working to win over hearts and minds (and fight off Putinite trolls). But it's all too easy to get sucked into Twitter. Closed the tab for now.
I also feel guilty for not socialising enough; for not being sufficiently charitable at this time of great need; guilty of neglecting friends and family; guilty of introversion. Life's goal is simple - fulfil your human potential. Here, I feel I'm not doing enough. I could always be doing more.
Perfection is unattainable, but improvement is attainable. Spiritual, intellectual, physical improvement. Working on yourself every day, never letting up. 'Beating last year's numbers' is easy in terms of quantitative indicators - but it is harder to assess quality. For example, is the quality of my Lenten posts this year better than last year's posts? Looking at musicians, in particular, they tend to do their greatest works in their 20s and 30s, then decline in terms of quantity and quality of output - and they tend to die younger than the rest of us.
Certainly my spreadsheet keeps me in line - each day, for the ninth year now, I enter my exercise and diet outcomes, and a useful tool this is. Could I, as some suggest, continue to live as I do without it? The danger of slacking is too great. [I have inherited this spreadsheet habit from my father - he'd log the value of his shareholdings each day as the London Stock Exchange closed, and note down his blood pressure every day too.]
Spiritual and intellectual goals, however, are vague. Yes, I can see I'm getting wiser with age - but could I have done better at understanding life had I worked harder at school? Done sciences rather than arts for A-level? Or is my easily distracted mind inherently unsuited to maths and physics?
One habit I should have started much earlier is carrying a notebook and pen and capturing worthwhile thoughts as I have them. I began late in life - in May 2010, aged a grand 52 years, and still often fail to scribble down those ideas, thinking I'll be able to recall them later when sat at a keyboard - guess what - I can't. And that idea has been lost for good.
Praying - meditating - for focus? Can it help? I am convinced it can; a prayer that should be answered. Prayers for worthwhile things can be answered. I just need to Get On With It.
This time last year:
Mindfulness vs. materialism
This time two years ago:
Further thoughts on Reincarnation?
This time three years ago:
Peace of mind stolen by Brexit
This time four years ago:
On Learning and Living
This time six years ago:
Goats and hares
This time seven years ago:
On Gratitude, and loving life
This time ten years ago:
Edinburgh views
This time 11 years ago:
Halfway through Lent
This time 13 years ago:
Swans on ul. Trombity
This time 14 years ago:
Papal anniversary, Warsaw
This time 15 years ago:
Sowing oats, Jeziorki
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