Frequent flying civilises the nation

"Would Mr Lopez travelling to Madrid please proceed immediately to Gate 43, where your flight is boarding". How often we hear phrases like this, yet the Tannoy announcers at Luton, Doncaster, Liverpool or East Midlands are seldomly heard hurrying a Mr Burak who's travelling to Rzeszów or a Ms Pietruszka flying to Bydgoszcz. This is because a) Poles do not wish to bring shame down upon their nation, and b) because Poles, when flying, are hyper-punctual.

Often I'll turn up for a UK-Poland or Poland-UK flight before the check-in desk has even been announced. The plane, let's say, is due to take off at 19:35, so check-in opens at 17:35. I'm early; so I have a good chance of being at the head of the queue. But no idea as to which of the 40 check-in desks it will to be. Then, at precisely 17:34, a vast queue suddenly materialises out of thin air in front of desk 28, and a minute later, it is announced that this is indeed the the desk for Warsaw, and I'm 153rd in this queue. You see, like me, Poles are hyper-punctual. Hurry-up-and-wait is in our genes.

It's been nearly six years since the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland opened its labour market to Polish migrant workers. In that time, I've witnessed an amazing improvement in the levels of civilisation shown by Poles flying 'twixt Poland and Britain.

Gone (thank God!) is that dreadful, vile, cramped cattle shed at Okęcie called 'Etiuda'. Terminal 2 is wonderful, and even though the cheapo flights check in at Terminal 1, the departure gates are in T2, modern, comfortable and world-class. Waiting now takes place in a spacious lounge, seated on seats (and not on the floor). Passengers arrive sober as as new-born judges. Back in the mid-2000s, the guys flying to England would turn up at the airport in states of extreme refreshment after drinking all night, and would continue to do so inside the terminal and even inside the aircraft, supping their own tins of Warka Strong all the way to Luton. So that's one thing we can thank jihadi terrorism for - an end to drunken louts bringing booze on board. And of course Franek and Sebek are too cheap to pay €4.50 for a tiny can of low-alcohol Heineken from the trolley.

I once overheard to Brits at Okęcie quipping that priority boarding Polish-style is determined by the sharpness of their elbows. Today, although there's a hurry-up-and-wait rush from the lounge to the gate the very second the gate number is flashed up on the screens, the queue forms in an orderly manner; parents with children manage to get on first; the elderly and infirm are no longer trampled on.

Back to punctuality. At gates like the ones in Okęcie's T2, where there's ample seating, Poles will stand up and form an orderly queue to board the plane a good 20 minutes before they're actually asked to do so. This show of social harmony and cooperation makes perfect sense; a plane boarded early will take off early and land early. Last night, my 19:35 WizzAir flight from Luton to Okęcie had 'boarding complete' status at 19:19, we landed half an hour early.

And - dare I say it - is clapping when the plane lands a thing of the past? This unique characteristic of Polish passengers, to break out in spontaneous applause as the captain is applying the thrust-reversers, is initiated by second-time flyers and joined in by first-time flyers. The regulars just look at one another in resigned embarrassment at the gaucheness of their fellow countrymen. Now, the revolving-door nature of Polish migration (or rather 'long-distance commuting') means that there are ever-fewer first-timers who feel the need to join in a burst of relieved clapping to cheer the pilot for getting us down safely, even on routine flights that passed off entirely without incident.

"If ju ol kam from wiledż klep jor hends,

If ju ol kam from wiledż klep jor hends,

If ju ol kam from wiledż

End ju newer bin on erplejn

If ju ol kam from wiledż klep jor hends!"

And now my tip for getting the seat of your choice on a low-cost flight that doesn't allocate seating. Most low-cost flights are not connected to the terminal via sleeves. Instead, passengers board buses to get to the aircraft. Here's what you do. An Airbus 321 or Boeing 737 aircraft (as used on 99% of all flights between Poland and the UK) take around 150 passengers. That's around two airport buses worth. Don't be in a rush to form a queue. If you can estimate the number of people standing in front of you, aim to be the last person getting on the first bus. Last on, first off. Then hare across the apron before everyone else, up the stairs to an empty aircraft, and nab that prize seat, 2F flying out, 2A flying home for yourself.

I noted that the Golden Era of low-cost flying is slowly coming to an end. The weak have fallen by the wayside. SkyEurope's gone bust, CentralWings became charter-only and has now collapsed back inside its parent LOT, RyanAir and EasyJet are both too cheap to fly from Okęcie now that that cattle-shed Etiuda's closed. We're now being threatened with low-cost carriers (i.e WizzAir and that's it) being moved out of Okęcie to Modlin. Now Modlin, 45km north of Okęcie and 50km north of my house will take as long to get to from home by public transport as it takes from fly from Warsaw to London. And by taxi it will cost as much to get to as the flight from Warsaw to London. So I'm not cheering the development of Modlin on, if WizzAir goes to Modlin that will be the end of cheap flying.